Rakshabhandhan is just a few days away and it is really a wonderful feeling all around. The chaste bond of love between a brother and a sister is one of the deepest and noblest of human emotions. But suddenly I found whom I should tie my Rakhi though he is no more in this world. This gives me courage to share my feelings for him through this blog.
It happened in Chandigarh on Diwali 2011. Everybody was happy because we were planning to celebrate Diwali at our new house. My brother and I spoke on the phone. He was convincing me to come to Chandigarh and celebrate Diwali with all of them but I could not because of official commitments.
And then something happened.
My father called me and asked me to reach home immediately. I knew something was wrong. Yes, I lost him and my father his son. My beloved brother had died in a road accident and my father had just received a call from police. We stood in disbelief, pain and anguish. Both of us lost everything.
To be strong…..
When my brother was alive, I used to hang around with him a lot. We thought we were so cool! A bossy sister that I was, he never asked anything for himself…he was the one jo hameasha daant khata tha just to see a smile on my face.
A feeling that I cannot explain today had surpassed me then. Feeling of loneliness, feeling the irreparable loss of only brother, feeling of utter pain.
I remember someone saying at the funeral “You must be strong for your parents” Yes, I must be, but I’m not feeling strong for myself.
I felt sorry for my dad. People kept telling him to be a man and be strong for his wife and daughter.
Pain in their eyes
I was angry with God. I just couldn’t understand why something so terrible had to happen to us.
The most difficult part was not being able to talk to my parents. There was so much pain in their eyes. If they would bring up his topic, I would cringe because even though I wanted to keep his memory alive, I wanted my connection to be private. As I got older, I began talking about my brother to my parents more often.
The whole experience changed my life. I know I’m a completely different person than I would otherwise have been. When people ask how many siblings do I have, I always say, “One.” After all, at what point in a relationship or friendship do you bring it up? Anybody who is close to me knows. It’s a big part of who I am, and people have been so good about it.
I wrote this for my brother…He will be missed every day. Love you little bro….
You’re still here in my heart and mind,
still making me laugh ‘cause your stories live on.
I hold you in my thoughts and I can feel you.
I feel you and this gives me strength and courage.
The tears I have cried for you could flood the earth
and I know you have wiped each one away.
For you Brother, I promise you this,
I will go on with my life and make you proud. I will always hold you in my heart.
I promise you I will be missing you everyday till the end of time,
but this is not my end and I can’t hold my head underwater….I need to breathe.
I need to love and miss you…I might cry or smile,
but at the end of the day I am one day closer to you…
Love you a Lot..!!!! Happy Rakshabhandhan…