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A rebuttal to a daughter-in-law from a son and a husband

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I scrolled through this piece on AkkarBakkar some 10 days back. I felt angry as to how the Internet, something that was supposed to give a life beyond saas bahu bitching, was falling prey to it. I wanted to rebut it then but I did not care much. Today though is a different day. I see my wife sharing this piece on her Facebook profile. This makes me rebut it because tomorrow my sister might share this considering its fashionable to share anything that victimizes feminity, even if the victimizer is another female. It becomes tremendously fashionable when the mother-in-law is made the criminal. I mean how many films and Ekta Kapoor shows have you come across where that 50-something lady is a national villain on the idiot box. I think that sells and that is why she is projected that way.

So lets take this as the article reads. The author writes that the new daughter-in-law is awkward initially in a new family and that the new family doesn’t show the inclination to adjust to her. If only the author would have written that adjusting in new surroundings is tough, I would have kind of agreed to her. Unfortunately blaming another family, another set of people for this is wrong. Adjusting is an art. Some take time and some instantaneously adjust. Lastly marriages are beautiful when both the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law work in tandem. It’s like the perfect partnership between the opener and the first down in cricket. And if that fails, the innings falters too. Neither of the partners have sole responsibility to make it work. Remember the old adage, you can’t clap with one hand, its like that.

Yes, it does take a lot to leave a home you were raised and to adjust in a new house with new people but are you the first to do that or will you be the last. And are you the only adjusting person. The author very blatantly writes that the man, i.e. the husband in this case does not adjust. My foot. Because the husband in marriages, especially in these times go through intrinsic interrogation about everything. From past life, to sex life, from career choices to what job he should take and what he should not. He is the one who makes choices not according to his whims but after listening to some strangers who have become a part of his life because of the marriage (I intentionally used the word strangers because I need the author to understand the pain that someone like me goes through when she calls a mother-in-law bitch).

Yeah you might have lived 27-fucking-years of your life on your terms and conditions but so did the husband and so did the mother-in-law. And leave aside the husband for a while because he is supposed to tread your and your family lines considering its you who have made the mighty move to the husband’s house but lets look at what all mother-in-laws go through. For starters she makes the new girl understand her household and makes change according to her. She breaks a lot of old boundaries to make the new one adjust. Tries for the entire family to love her and asks her to willingly make a few choices. In a majority of cases in love marriage the boy would have beforehand made these things clear to the girl. I did it so I know. In arranged marriages the girl should know she is making a few choices because her family also approves of it. And after doing all of this what does she get? A lot of bitching and some author who is a jerk get’s down to penning this and gets a lot of daughter-in-law’s fall prey to the jibe.

Madam author there was no drastic turn. You took this turn in full conscience. Drastic turns are taken either when you are sleepy or drunk. I am sure you did not marry in those states of mind. And yes things do change because change is the only constant. Marriages are made wonderful on the ladder of compromises and the ones that don’t adhere to that fall apart. Of course compromises happen on both sides and lets talk of the ones the boy goes through.

He wanted to become a creative director but the mother-in-law wants him to be an engineer and since he does not have an engineering degree, for the sake of the love of her life he takes up a job in a software lousy company. A job he hates, a job he loathes but does for the girl he promised a lot of love. And every now and then the mother-in-law speaks to him in a humiliating tone saying how this marriage is probably her daughter’s biggest mistake, as if the daughter was supposed to marry Akbar and ended up marrying a pawn. Then she speaks the same in front of the boy’s mother and expects the boy’s mother to not get pissed even after listening that she has ended up giving birth to a shithole and he has probably got married to a princess.

And dear author no one expects for anyone to adopt instantaneously. If that is the story of your life I feel sorry for you but then you don’t need to rub it across saying it’s the story of all Indian bahus. For example my mother will still not say this for her mother-in-law and I am talking 35-years back now. Everyone takes time to adjust and everyone is given that time too. Some daughter-in-law’s unfortunately are too caught in the air of their own mothers to change and want the change to happen in the family that they go to. Unfortunately that is something that doesn’t happen and this is what causes friction. And no one loses identity too. For example my wife still calls herself Prachi Sharma and not Prachi Sakunia so she is still what she was and there are many who even after the change of their surnames do not lose identity. Seems your identity is a weak one, isn’t it?

And yes if the boy can adjust and wear what the girl wants when he visits the girl’s side of the family (I do), I don’t understand what’s the challenge if the girl reciprocates. So the bullshit you wrote about wearing suit and donning a bindi etc. is a blatantly pathetic saas-bahu soap argument. By the way I am assuming you would have married in love and I am also assuming that the boy would have told you the same before marriage and you would have agreed to it then but today after the libido has pacified and the urge of lust has toned down the feminist inside you, the pseudo feminist rather (because you would not know the meaning of the word feminist am sure) has risen and challenged circumstances and when the husband said that “darling I had told you this beforehand” you produced this shit piece.

Also which generation do you come from or which village you live in India. Because periods no more are stigma sweetheart and the mother-in-law’s mostly do not even play a part in it unless the daughter-in-law also is stigmatized of these days. You possibly are either a b@#$% or have one bad mother-in-law but it’s your generalization that’s hurting me. Hot water bag and medicines, are you crazy? I mean I did not see my mother use those. The more I am writing the more I am getting into your sick mind. Also for many who are agreeing and sharing this female’s views they need to see around of what’s happening in their families to their daughter-in-laws and their brother’s wives.

Oh My God really? We will also have career talks and choices now? In this generation when the numbers of women working in the industry is an all-time high we will talk this too? I will also like to state a fact here. Most women and let me generalize here, most women do not want to work beyond a point. I see this in my wife and many others. Given a choice and a comfortable cozy life they would stay back and enjoy it rather than go through hue and cry of office life. As far as money is concerned my wife knows how much money I have across accounts of mine, what business my dad is in and how much property we own. Unfortunately though I see a lot of girls interfering in when a boy wants to gift his sister an expensive gift or buys her a plane ticket to visit him. Dear girls, his sister came in his life way before you did and she is the one who would die for him, mind you, you won’t be able to try as well.

And lastly, yes the husband understands that there are challenges and wants you to adjust and cope with it just how he is coping with a sick mother-in-law too. And believe me for most of these mamma’s boys, the girl’s writing and sharing this piece of shit are generally the ones who do things as per their mother, completely disrespecting a family they have become a part of now. And she lies too in the article where she says she cannot share this with her family because every piece of news that happens in this house, everything that should not go out goes to her parents first.

The author also says that the mother-in-law is insecured that the new girl will take control of her son’s lives. Are you crazy? Indian mothers bring up their children with blood and toil and no relation, new or old can change the love and affection the child shares with her mom, no matter how grown up. Unfortunately it will take sometime for you to realise that. Maybe after your child ☺.

PS: A lot of the points this author has written are plain bullshit. Simply because a lot of things are known to the daughter-in-law before she enters a family and if she still puts on these tantrums, remember she had a right to refuse. Also the fact that a marriage is no easy task to run these days. Compromises have to be made to make it successful. Unfortunately though most of these women who write such stuff are pretty one sided in life’s views. It’s either their way or the fucking highway and the problems arise with attitude like this.

A sincere son, husband, brother and father ☺.

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